"Depressive Episodes"

I first remember hearing the term 'depressive episode' about six years ago. I identified with Depression since I was a teenager, but never thought about it as appearing in episodes.

But it made a lot of sense to me. There are periods of time where I don't feel depressed as much as other times. Today I realized I'm in a depressive episode right now.

This in itself is a victory, because three or four years ago I rarely if ever realized I was in a particular dip until after I was out of it. The fact that I can recognize it from within is awesome.

I wish I could say I recognize them right away, but this one's lasted for at least a week and a half now that I think about it and I'm only realizing it now, so...baby steps.

What is a depressive episode exactly? For me, it manifests itself in three components: Lethargy, Apathy & Despair. Let's break those down a bit...

Lethargy

I can make my body do stuff like get out of bed, walk to the couch, etc. Depending on the day I can even make myself work out, throw the ball with my dog, and do other more intense stuff. But during a depressive episode, it ALWAYS feels like a struggle. Every moment I'm not sitting still feels like Earth turned up the gravity making everything heavier.

When I'm not in a depressive episode I can still have bouts of laziness, but movement doesn't feel so damn laborious.

And this isn't restricted to physical work. Emotional work such as planning out a day, writing a nuanced email, planning out a class curriculum, etc. feels equally arduous. 

And while I'm feeling this total lack of energy, my inner monologue can say some very hurtful things like, 'You're so lazy!' 'People better than you are working hard right now.' 'You'll never be successful like this.'

Thankfully, my inner dialogue and I have a better relationship than we ever have before. Younger versions of me would live in these thoughts. I would wholeheartedly believe them and ruminate on them. 

Current me is a bit better equipped to dance with these thoughts. I'll write a whole post on this another time, because I could go into a lot of detail.

Apathy

While not toward all things, I tend to get pretty apathetic about a lot during depressive episodes. Intellectually, I know that I need to care about things like my health, my finances, my friends & family, my personal appearance, and the like, but damn it's difficult to actually care. 

You know how when you sit or lie in a particular position that puts your foot to sleep and you just can't feel it? You know it's there. You know the blood will flow back there and you'll walk again, but in the moment your foot is basically unusable and you don't feel it.

That's how I feel about the parts of my brain that should care about stuff when I'm in a depressive episode. It sucks. I know I care. I know how to act like I care. And I don't feel it.

Despair

One thing I'm not apathetic about is how sad my life is or at least how sad my mind wants to convince me it is despite evidence to the contrary. The despair pushes my thoughts to the limit. What's a terrible thing that could happen to me theoretically? My brain will think of it. And tell me it's hopeless to think anything else.

So, knowing this, what can I do about it?

First step: Recognize I'm in it

Depressive episodes have been historically sneaky with me. It looks like I'm in my apartment at my computer typing, but actually, I'm in an alternate dimension (like the Upside Down from Stranger Things) that looks like reality but is covered in Depression. 

This helps a lot. Seeing Depression reminds me that everything I'm experiencing is colored by something that will go away.

Step two: Don't struggle

The classic scenario of quicksand is that the more you struggle, the faster it pulls you under. I've never been in actual quicksand, but depressive episodes feel like internal quicksand. 

The lesson I learned about this has helped me a lot: Just go through. 

Rather than try to maneuver my way out, just live in it. Unlike real quicksand, I can still actually breathe during depressive episodes. But fighting them makes them harder to deal with. Also, I think it can make them last longer too. So, I repeat the phrase 'just go through it' and I remember to stop struggling against it.

Step three: Move

This is really hard given the lethargy, but if I can make myself do anything. A walk around the block. Hell, just a walk down and back the hallway of my apartment building is better than nothing. 

Movement rarely snaps me completely out of it, but it helps a lot.

Step four: Manage the Chatter

In his book Chatter, Ethan Kross talks about how humans tend to respond better to third-person statements than first-person ones. This has been really helpful for me. It still feels funny, but I say, 'Baker, these thoughts are bullshit. No need to listen to them.' Or something similar. And it helps.

After that, there are plenty of other things I can do to help myself. Depends on the particular circumstances, but some of them are - meditation, working out, showering, texting a friend, actively focusing on gratitude, cleaning something, playing a video game, etc.

To be clear rarely is there anything I can do to get myself out of a depressive episode. They come and go. But these tools and techniques help me to mitigate it, possibly shorten the duration, and potentially keep them further apart.

Last Step: Recognize I'm out of it

When I'm no longer in an episode, the sooner I can recognize it the better. That's when I'm more apt to handle big decisions, increase my productivity, enjoy time alone or with others, etc..

I'm still working on this one, but I'm making progress. When I'm out of an episode, it's time to take advantage of the lack of lethargy, apathy & despair for as long as I can. 

Do you have depression? Do you have specific depressive episodes? What do you do to help yourself through them?

Stay curious  =)